VANITY FAIR: MULTINATIONAL COMPANY EDITION

I work with a Multinational company whose Global Head-Office is in India and Africa Head-Office is in Kenya. If you like, snort and laugh in derision at the two countries I mentioned above, I know I work with a truly multinational company. There are so many perks in working with a truly multinational company in case you do not know: for instance, Guinness full-employees attaching a photocopy of their official identity card makes securing a UK visa something akin to Lionel Messi scoring a goal, too easy; and I bet they don’t detain Multichoice full-employees at Oliver Tambo International Airport, Johannesburg, asking for one nonsense yellow card.

Interestingly, what I consider as the major perk in this multinational company is the opportunity it affords me to observe at close range – women and their over-reaching vanities. You see women at different stages of struggles to best not only others but their personal self. You do not need any copyright permission to rename my company’s Head Office “Vanity Fair Building”, and I am sure the name will be more than apt. Name it: kids/issues, vacations, shoes, wears, accents, cars, anything, is an opportunity for my colleagues to display vanity.

The perfect place to start this exposѐ is in the morning and in the convenience, because that is when and where the day starts, isn’t it? The usual time that you have traffic in the female conveniences is early in the morning. You might be wondering: Don’t they have toilets at home? Don’t they keep their toilets at home clean? Don’t bother yourselves, the reason why they go into the toilet has nothing to do with answering the call of nature, but answering the call of make-up. Facilities managers are actually employed to manage my multinational company’s conveniences, so it is always spic and span; and have I mentioned the conveniences have a lobby that is fitted with mirrors covering 75% of the walls? The lobby provides a stage to display the art of make-up application: touch-up the eyeliner, dab some blush, rearrange the Brazilian/Indonesian/Indian hair, rub some hand-lotion, and do whatever you can imagine women doing when they make up. Don’t start asking me how I get to know what they do in there, and don’t allow your mind run riot, please chase the devil away before it possesses your soul, I don’t go into the female conveniences,  but I know what they do there, I have LadyRash don’t ever forget that please. But the funniest part of the whole thing is what they do on coming out of the convenience compartment, the first person they see, they greet in so loud a voice it can wake the dead up, the mission is to make sure they get your attention and you see the fantastic results of all the minutes in the convenience.

Next we move to the small matter of VACATIONS. Note that word “vacation”, we do not call it “leave” in my multinational company, we call it “vacation” and when it is just a few days, we just refer to it as “taking some time off”. If you go on vacation, the day before you resume, just travel to Shoprite and get all those London chocolates and bring along to the office as you resume; that way you would have fit in very well, and if you can add a little accent to it, then you would have fit in perfectly. What I am saying is none of the women in my office has ever spent her vacation in Nigeria, unless she is planning to resume in another company.

Hush please!!! I want to reveal a secret to you; I hope you are reading alone? Check behind you to make sure no one is reading this over your shoulder because what I am about to tell you is a very important top secret that the SSS are not even aware of. ALL THE WOMEN IN MY OFFICE ARE TERRORISTS, NOT JUST TERRORISTS, THEY ACTUALLY COME TO THE OFFICE WITH WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTIONS!!! They come to the office every day in these high heels that make this ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko sound that whatever you are doing and however deeply you are immersed in it, that ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko sound will terrorise you into submitting to being aware of its annoying presence. I mean you will expect these ladies to sit down in one place, but I bet you that is the last thing they do, they keep strutting up and down and all over the place, and driving you mad like Terry-G’s music. That ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko-ko sound will become imprinted on your consciousness, etched on your subsconscious, embossed on your imagination and carved into your memory; if you do not hallucinate about it afterwards, just rest assured you cannot die by any accident, only by natural causes. And none of my female colleagues wear anything made in Nigeria, I cannot verify, but every one claims so.

Seriously, I mean seriously, as in no jokes, the next time you see a caring man, whether married, engaged, or just in a relationship , his wife, fiancee or girlfriend works in my multinational company’s Head Office. And the next time you come across an uber-smart kid, find out from him/her, the mum must definitely work in my multinational company’s Head-Office.

Thank You!

God Bless!!

See You Later!!!


Twitter: @SirRash
Facebook: Rasheed SirRash Adewusi