Tuesday, 27 August 2013

KISSING-AND-TELLING IN HIGH PLACES

I know! I know!! I know!!!

I did promise I would not disappear again, but I only went and reenacted my own remake of “Gone With The Wind”. I apologise again, and as my people say, it is this hill here that blocks my view of the hill over there; therefore I have put structures in place to ensure the hill over there will be bigger than the hill here to counter-balance the view-blocking, hopefully. But it has been good news all this while: between the last time I was here and now, I have become both a HUSBAND and a FATHER. That might imply I have more and bigger responsibilities, which might also mean lesser time for blogging (obviously, I have less time for blogging already), but that might also imply I have more time (finding something else to occupy my time when Wifey and Mothers have taken over the TV and the Remote), let us just wait and see. #FingersCrossed

Now to the question that jolted me out of my blogging-inertia – kissing and telling, why do people do it? Personally, I believe whatever a man and a woman do together behind closed doors, as long as it is consensual, should remain locked behind doors, I mean no one has to see or hear it. Naturally, the participants do not have to tell us, and we do not want to know; but going by Ese Walters’ piece which I have taken the creative liberty to retitle “An Epistle on Self-Inflicted Pastor Abuse”, and the visibility the said piece has been accorded in cyberspace, it seems I am the only one on the queue waiting to board the bus to “I-Dont-Care-If-You-Kiss-And-Tell-Land”.

Kidding aside, I would not have been riled if people had just left comments like “LOL”, “LOOOOOOL”, “LMFAO”, “ROTFLMAO”, etc but seeing people swallow the bait of “abuse” and hailing her like a modern day Joan d’Arc really got me pissed off. Come on folks, this babe deserves nothing but the Bradley Manning treatment. Someone please explain to me how Ese Walters was abused in that story? Don’t get me wrong please, I am wont to believe her story, partly because I consider most of the so called men of God, or are they gods of men, as frauds; and mostly because I know stuffs like that go down in many places where people dress to kill, talk to be noticed, walk to be assessed, spend to impress, and act to outdo everyone else - church atmosphere nowadays is just like a party without the alcohol and tobacco. I am not going to try and paint anyone as wrong or right in the prelude to how the two of them ended up under the sheets, but for Ese to start crying “abuse” afterwards is beyond hypocritical to me. If you have placed someone on such a pedestal that you collapse when they blow air in your face, would you not be mumbling like a baby’s toy with a bad battery when you start crying foul when they have consensual sex with you? I don’t think I need any level of grace to label Ese Walter a CHARLATAN. I am not saying Ese Walters is right or wrong; neither am I saying Biodun Fatoyinbo is wrong or right, but the word “abuse” is a blatant misnomer in that story..

More disheartening is that even in the realm of politics and the discussion of national unity, we cannot seem to escape the kiss-and-tell merchants. If I ask the pertinent question: how do we unify Nigeria? I bet the majority will mention football, music, and good governance. But according to Femi Fani-Kayode, the solution is quite simpler than that – Let us all have "long-standing and intimate relationships" (innuendo caught FFK, well done) with as many people from all the other tribes as possible; that way, we (Nigerians) would all have become detribalized. We all know one of the major problems with Nigeria is ethnicity/tribalism, and if as a public figure you are accused of being ethnocentric, I am wholly behind you when you go all out to defend yourself. Such was the case for Femi Fani-Kayode whose seldom-rational but always-scathing expositions have brought the tag of “a tribalist” on him. In refuting the tag, FFK reeled out names of three women of Igbo extraction whom he has had "long-standing and intimate relationships" with and concluded that those sexual relationships definitely exonerate him from being labelled a tribalist. I am sorry FFK, you might not be a tribalist, but you are definitely a scummy and uncouth specimen of a lesser animal than a human being. You are nothing but another idiotic kiss-and-tell goat. How could you embarrass women you had consensual sex with like that? Seriously??!! That was the only route you could ply to redemption?? Of course, he did some damage limitation by coming out with an apology; but someone really needs to plank this clown on the head; maybe his brain might be realigned and he would start thinking before talking.


I think I have ranted enough for one post. I hope to be back very soon, but just in case I disappear, you can simply assume I have taken it upon myself to embark on a journey to unify Nigeria the FFK way. I need to “know” –I mean know in the Biblical usage- at least one babe from every tribe in Nigeria. You bet that is not an easy task; from every nook to every cranny of Nigeria I need to fish out women to roll in the hay with, and by the end of my sojourn, I alone standing would have become a detribalized Nigerian and an epitome of inter-tribal unification. Someone really needs to plank my head too from the four cardinal points.